28/08/08

Now that I have decided to do two performances, a decision I made on Saturday I realise I need to get going with making decisions over the space and footage to be shown. I think I must be nervous today as I feel quite scatty and as though I still need more in the performance. Currently I happy to show 2 isolated works made within the project- The skate park footage and the 'Bits' boxes footage and then I will have the performance, Desk and gesture footage in the space with me. As the day goes on, I realise the breath of work I have made during the 3 weeks and I become excited. I look back through the performance and realise it does not need any other elements. It came to mind that the element I'm now ready for is an audience. 

I spend the morning gathering used Tesco bags to be used as the opening part to the performance. For weeks I wanted to use the line.."Just before we start, I just wanted to remind you all to take your own carrier bag..", but after discussing this I realised it would be stronger to use the actual bags, giving them out to my audience as they enter with a suggestion the the bag will, ..."help with the guilt.."! I become quite attached to the sculptural quality of the used bags this afternoon, hanging each of them off each hanging bar in the space. For a while I was concerned with using a branded bag- such as Tesco, as I didn't want it to be perceived as any kind of support or promotion for Tesco, I didn't want it to detract from the fact they are re-usable. However having used Tesco bags, uniform, I feel happy with the decision and they all clearly say- re-usable on them, so I'm hoping it will work. Also there is quite a lot of press/campaigning in Hertford at present surrounding the local Tescos plans for expansion, and so it seemed right to be political with Tesco bags specifically. I'm now considering leaving the bags hanging for the performance, removing them from their hooks as each audience member arrives. I guess the good thing with being able to perform twice is that it allows me to experiment and develop the performance over the two days, trying different combinations of elements, and having time to adjust for Saturdays performance. I'm slightly worried about the last part whereby I give the objects on my desk away, I mean I genuinely want people to have them but I don't want to replace them for Saturdays performance. I guess whatever goes, goes, and it will be nice for the performance on Saturday to carry that history, by having less objects on the desk  to give away.

I spent the rest of the day editing and transferring the video footage from camera to VHS. Yes VHS!- I feel very old school, editing away from my usual method of using a computer and instead of DVD using VHS. The reason for this is that I have been able to get hold of 4 TVs but they have Video built in. In fact really I'm coming to terms with this editing, and embracing its rawness, echoing the very nature of the residency. Really I'm more shocked at how the space is leading towards looking pretty 'finished', a positive feeling in terms of achievement but also a sad feeling that I have now 'pinned' the work down, and the experimentation has died down to a certain extent.

Looking at the work as a whole, it has become hard to descibe what's going on with it all. I mean I do know but its sitting fairly confused in my head again. I'm hoping by the end of tomorrow I will be able to have a minuet to look at the work together and then I hope it will pull itself together for me.  

I think was been interesting is often you perceive your work to be one thing and when it ends up as something else it can be quite surprising. Recognising where my interests lie has been quite refreshing, how I thought my work would be is somewhat different now. Running back over the work, it feels a little like I'm fighting against myself. I thought it would be this, that, have more of the other stuff, be more colourful, not about that...etc... but actually its not. Its quite 'local', current, political, and raw. Its taken on a whole new aesthetic, its appears fairly masculine, quite aggressive, and humorous. I think working with humour has definitely been a revelation, not previously being comfortable with using  humour but looking back at past works, even the early sculptures made with Ben I can see there is a lot of humour, maybe I just wasn't confident to work with it. I think I  may have been focusing on being serious, with often what was quite silly, in an attempt to be profound? I realise there is a genuine sillyness to my work and I do like to be naughty, exaggerating the everyday, being ridiculous, embracing monotony- sweeping continuously for 2 hours etc.. My ongoing interest into human beings and the body too, also stays with me and has become specifically interested in gesture and behaviour, moving from my previous interest in the internal to the more external body. I still draw on my immediate environment, observations and experiences but feel as though I am able to remove myself from the work and make it not just about me but layer it, so it remains about that but is communicated in a more subtle way.

I guess the work has maintained an interest in authenticity, but less about Hertford/ London specifically and more about everyday authenticity. Making this kind of work in this gallery is challenging both Hertford and London without the work being about that directly, what the work is about is my observations I guess by with a dynamic that gives the work depth. It is definitely about me being an artist in Hertford and living and working it buts its also about life and capitalism, emotion and recycling, from the very local to the global, from the trashy to poignant.

Tomorrow is performance day and I sit here tonight surrounded by vHS taper. i have been pressing record/play and stop/rewind for the past 4 hours and my head has grown an internal buzz in the front of my forehead. I will not complete the editing tonight but will have got far enough to make hats left to do tomorrow manageable.

I thought I would finish by sharing with you the 'to do list' i have just wrote to myself for tomorrow in my sketchbook- here it is.

To do

Buy 2 x blank DV tapes

Charge Digi + Vid camera

Audience member to film + photograph

Buy wine + nibbles

Plastic cups from flat

Note objects from desk that are to be taken

Remove glass from desk

27/08/08

Entering the space today I decided to remove all the elements from the space. Over the course of weeks I have been adorning the walls with drawings, images and collages and have had several props hanging in the space from day 1, including the overalls and wig. I removed all such items, and this is the first time I have stripped the space back.  I noticed today I am starting to get a little precious with the objects and space, and I guess this is because the work is coming to a conclusion this weekend. Its been quite tough trying to decide what and how I want to show, install and exhibit and in what format- the actual or through documentation.

By removing the objects I was able to isolate each element of work that has occurred and see it stand alone. It also made me realise how much I do really love the space and being able to work within a context of a gallery space. The white walls allowing everything that the room contains to potentially be the artwork. The stark lighting and blank horizon allowing the most of everyday objects to become beautiful.

Firstly I decided to work a little more with the objects from my tool box, extending and developing this initial exercise further. I laid out all the contents of my tool box, a box of 'bits' from my studio,  a box of 'bits' from my flat and the box of 'bits' from the gallery's office around the edge of the gallery floor, where it meets the walls. a comment on transferability of object in space and spaces that i inhabit, and universal familiarities and the ownership of certain things becoming an identity and depicting an interest- a universal commitment to something, to art possibly?

I then decided to film these objects, changing the camera angle, a consequence scale of the object and composing the direction of the floor/wall/object divides.

I played the footage back within the space, which was still filled with the objects and the film took on a real painterly presence. Almost like a series of abstract paintings, with shifting angles, shapes and colours. Playing this back in the space for me also became interesting alongside the actual objects. Highlighting the object and giving it a second reality almost, through mirroring the object back onto itself but flattened slightly with the format of film. This is something I had done previously with the footage of the desk mirroring the actual desk in the space.

Looking back at the 'bits' I realise how human they are, in terms of size and function and made solely for the purpose of aiding us in someway. They seem somewhat fundamental, essential to our living and very familiar. Everyone seems to have a 'bits' box somewhere- work, home, studio, garage?

This seemed to been another isolated work now and again I was not sure how I would present it, as the film, as photographs or the film and actual objects? I will perform in the same space so I'm cautious not to have too many objects in the space, so at the moment I'm thinking of showing just the film, but that is likely to change before Friday.

A focus on showing  fair few video pieces now, I moved the other objects back in that I knew would want to be there and left this evening arranging the plinths for the TV sets. I feel a little numb with the work this evening, almost like I missing something, but as my partner suggests, maybe that's the audience? I think I found the experience of exposing the work to Jenny at the weekend that it made lots of sense to me whilst I was talking to her about it, but now its just me again, I feel really ready to have an audience to the work again, to allow me to gain perspective on it and for it to grow through exposure and conversation.

Skate park stills! Finally!

26/08/08 Gesture video stills

26/08/08- Last week

Entering the last week, I'm in the gallery still filled with some on the excitement form Sunday. I look back through the footage again and feel very happy with the Skate park footage. A work on its own, I have decided this will not be part of the performance but will be stand alone on a monitor maybe just outside the gallery space, or possible in another venue- maybe the flat. However, of late, I have gone off the idea of a tour- seeming problematic and maybe somewhat lacking in context, I now see the work exhibited solely in the gallery, the place I have been occupying for the last 3 weeks. 

The elements of my flat and studio have taken on a natural presence through the objects and documentation of these alternative spaces. Most recently arranging the contents from certain storage containers collected from these spaces on the gallery floor, edging the floor space. These everyday objects and fixings, becoming beautiful and interesting, and somewhat seem fundamental to our existence, sellotape, Prit stick, scissors, cotton etc... 

This too has become another smaller element to the work and these have been common. The straw, the upturn of the gallery furniture, the small collages, the Polaroid exercises. Its become a question of how to show these, as part of the installation? Or solely through the blog, removing the actual objects for the final performance? I guess I'm looking for clarity in the space, but also feel these actions and smaller exercises have played an important role in the developing of the residency- they allow me to get to the larger stuff I'm concerned with but also mentally feed my focus and motivation. The blog has been a great way to compile my thoughts throughout this and I'm thinking now it may also be the best way to document these process lead experiments. So possibly;y they will be removed by the weekend. I'm conscious of pleasing and giving my visitors something and it seems safe to provide them with something wall based, which is more familiar to them and more familiar to the gallery, but at the same time I want them to recognise the desk as art and I'm tempted to strip the space back to the desk possibly?

I began to isolate some gestures to today. It feels slightly empty because this element was identified through a conversation with Jenny, and I guess I'm conscious that its grown out of dialogue rather then solely independently but it is there, and looking back at the original speech footage I too recognise the interest in gesture. My interest into human nature and physicality feeds into this idea too and I focused on some movement with the hands today. Cropping the shot to just the hands at the desk and working with the hand movements I naturally used when talking in speech footage. As the video roles I begin to play with these gestures and the whole scene becomes quite humorous, with the gestures taking on a narrative almost. What I also found interesting was that the gestures swing from initially looking genuine, i.e  possibly talking to someone, to a lack of authenticity, as my phone rings, unplanned and I answer it and chat with a whole new gesture.

I went onto to film the mouth. Something I recognised in the initial footage too was that I often talk with hand over mouth, apparently meaning a lack of honesty!- hilariously! Taking this gesture I isolate it, repeat and exaggerated. Thinking about these two video pieces I consider the work of Martin Creed again, who speaks of his own work as being very everyday and human, but removed from its original context and exaggerated. This feels familiar with these particular exercises.

Using myself so much in these exercises feels a little dangerous, but also makes sense. As I said yesterday, my presence in the space has become the work almost, visitors come to chat to me, talk to me, ask me questions, shelter with me from the . what else is in the space almost invisible. I like then therefore that I become under scrutiny almost in these videos, familiar to those who regularly visit but slightly removed from my self too.

I finish today slightly more anxious than I have been for a while. Wether thats because of the forthcoming performance, or that I chatted with Jenny about the work and so now elements feels somewhat confused a little and I'm panicking slightly about Independence, and feel as though I have lost my train of thought, or that its coming to an end and I need to make some decisions about what to show, not to show, how to arrange the space etc...

I feel I need to wake up early tomorrow to get some head space before entering the space in the morning. I also want to get some editing done of the footage. 

I need to run through the performance, pull through the elements it will contain and run through. I guess I felt a little sorted with it at the weekend and now I'm nervous to change, as the feedback I got from what I already had was positive. I feel as though i have got a little too precious over what I have already planned and not sure if to develop it further or just perfect what I have and spend the weekend arranging the space. I'm tempted to keep producing right up to the last day, that's what I normally to but at the same time I'm cautious to not convolute the performance and appreciate what I have got and make the most of the elements I have created rather than not recognising their own strengths.

Stills from initial speech footage

24/08/08 Skate park filming...finally

I have decided to meet with Jenny today to film for me. This is the first time I have exposed my residency progress and work to anyone from my circle of artist friends and I am exciting about this. I have planned the day in terms of filming but have decided to also show Jenny the space.

Meeting up in Hertford with a London friend is always a good feeling. Sharing my experience of living in Hertford and my practice here is particularly liberating, especially to be outside of London but having Londoner's here with me, encouraging them to leave London to see a performance practice. I guess this in its self challenges both London and Hertford. 

We meet and spend the first part of the day chatting as usual over coffee at cafe Nero (my new favourite early morning haunt in Hertford -see earlier blog). we talk a lot about Jenny's work and it feels good not to jump straight into my work.

We eventually reach the gallery and enter the residency space, deciding to look at the work first before filming. Jenny was impressed and very excited by the space. The first visitor I have had in two weeks that has reacted like this, apart from Rita who loved the straw. I felt happy I was exposing this to her and it lifted me and gave me confidence with what I had done. I talked through the space and played the footage I had been working with. Mainly the video of me chatting about everything from the first week. 

It was refreshing to enter the space at an alternative time and day. Up till know I always enter the space between 9 and 10 each morning and leave between 5 and 6. Entering the space mid afternoon, allowed me to see the work more objectively. I'm not sure if this was because Jenny was with me but it allowed me distance from what I had done.

We watched the footage of me chatting to camera, discussing my anxieties, the residency, my ideas etc...This time however becoming interested in the gestures and actions rather than what was being said. The text was irrelevant really, what was interesting was my animation- facial expression, hand gesture, smile/not smile and eye contact. After discussing this further it became apparent that the footage actually contained a lot of material, but it needed to be broken down, each gesture existing on its own, possibly playing with the authenticity of the gesture? Watching further footage I played Jenny the performance I did to a small audience two Saturdays ago, firstly she was amazed how long it was- or that I made my audience sit for so long! but also how brave it was to expose so much at such an early stage. Looking back at this again it became clearer to me which elements were working and which were not. It was certainly repetitive at times and defiantly too long. It also seemed to skip certain concerns of mine, rather than tackle them, it was a little to comfy, and needed to be more dynamic. Like the video I have decided to also break this performance down into smaller elements to work with and construct into a smaller performance.

The skate park filming later today as truly amazing! And so liberating. I have to tell you the story.

We get to the skate park after discussing the work and planning the video shoot. Earlier this week whilst passing past the park, trying to build up enough balls to carryout the performance I bump into a student, who also rides at the park. I tell him that I'm hoping to film later this week and how he thought it would go down with the others there. He recommended that I would be fine as long as I avoided the 'tracksuits'. So as Jen and I approach the skate park we see a lack of skaters/riders and notice the 'Tracksuits'. So we take a deep breath and walk over regardless to check out the shape of the skate park. Immediately we are heckled, are you the council? Are you the Mercury? ( Jen had decided on the way there she would put on her ID page from work, to give an air of authority to our business). We answer saying no, but that we are making an advert and looking to work with skaters/riders (they were clearly not that, a lack of board or bike confirmed that). They informed us that all the skaters were having a smoke and would back soon, among other larger fueled comments and chat. We decided to approach 4 guys with BMX bikes sitting on the grass and asked them if they would mind skating for us. They were extremely nice and more than happy to. The next thing I know I'm standing in the middle of the skate park doing my moves with riders riding around me, consistently, relaying to ensure an uninterrupted circling an it felt amazing. even the tracksuits shut up for it! I had done it, the idea that had been in my thoughts for so long, had become reality, and Jen was right I would have never been able to do it alone, it was a big risk. We brought the riders a coke and chocolate bar and took their e-mails promising to send them the footage. I also realised however much you work solo, there will always been times when others are needed. I guess I was so caught up in making the residency solo, I had actually been to a certain extent fairly strict on myself in terms of sharing the work and gaining feedback.

Jen and I when onto to have a beer, and I talked through my writing with her. As someone who has known me a long time she commented on the development of my writing for performance and I guess I kind of agree. i have started to see the possibilities writing contains, where as before I used it fairly practically. this feels exciting and currently the work and performance seems as though it will be fairly text based.

This evening i am left with an air of excitement, thrilled at the footage and the realisation f the skate park performance, and liberated by the feedback from Jen and the exposing of the work to date. I feel ready for the weekend and look forward to this last week in which I can focus on pulling the work together and constructing the performance and video works. I hope to spend some time re-filming the gesture footage and planning the space for visitors at the weekend. I think some TV monitors may be needed!

23/08/08- second Saturday

This Saturday was a lot quieter than previous, with no one taking up the offer of tea and cake. I ran through the work to date, in preparation for embarking on my final week. Looking back through yesterdays list of elements I knew it would be important to edit. Today I thought a lot about the role of the video footage. Would I show it as part of the performance, as the performance or as part of the installation. How would the performance pan out? I watched back the footage from last Saturday's performance of the work in progress. It was really long and repetitive, but had some positive elements. I was rally glad that I was able to do this at such an early stage to an audience as it allowed for it all to be thrown in and makes it easier at this point to edit it. 

I'm still full of the idea of 'mind the gap' today and finished making the sign that I hope to hold over the weekend. making the sign became a practical exercise and I'm left thinking that maybe I won't do this performance at all but it felt good to make it and I think I needed to complete the prop anyhow.

Two weeks of working in the space as a solo artist, feels refreshingly productive for me and after my initial concerns in trying to identify my own practice, today that seems a lot clearer. I'm really aware that my practice involves a vast imagination and numerous ideas and ideals in terms of the type of work I want to make. It involves sculptural consideration, material, endurance and physical action, it also involves working with others, be it other artists, or the public. 

Communication, dialogue and chat make up a huge part to my practice. My head flows when I'm engaged with others, in what ever sense that might be, even if the conversations not relevant to what I'm doing. This residency has allowed me to meet many different people, mainly visitors of the gallery, locals and the volunteers. All happy to chat about life. It feels very human and I have really enjoyed this process, talking to a stranger, someone you have just met, possibly far removed from your own life, for hours, just the two of you has been a fresh experience for me. Whats funny is that they come not concerned with the work necessarily, some believe my installation to not be an exhibition and so avoid discussing it. But they come to chat to me. I have become the entertainment, the object, the communication, the thing, regardless of what I produce creatively. That's been quite interesting, a live person in a gallery, just chatting.

I look forward to tomorrow, I have decided to ask Jenny to come down and be my camera man. I considered this for a while as I'm quite concerned with making this a chance to work independently from current collaborations. However, I planned exactly what I wanted to do so that Jenny would be purely practical in terms of filming but also in editing work. She will be the first person I have discussed the work with in any depth and it feels at a good point to do this with her. 

22/08/08

Eventually got around to carrying out the filming last night. Both footage of the traffic lights, going from red to green and back again and then up to the train station to carryout the sniffing of the platform (one of my fictional performances where by, every ones standing around Hertford east platform, sniffing the spot that always smells of urine). I have still not conquered the skate park but have decided to work with another artist on Sunday to do this. This week also been fairly slow and the work is still fairly messy, lots of ideas going on, maybe too many. Chatting with one visitor this week allowed me to discuss the work in depth, it was a good conversation in which we discussed repression in society and how she felt the work in the gallery almost dealt with that, embracing human nature, play and experimentation. We also spoke about authenticity and as I spoke I began to understand further about my own thoughts and interests. i realised that fundamentally I  seek whats below the surface, not content with any kind of facade but wanting to get to the nitty gritty, the foundations of something, somebody, the truth, the most natural, primitive human behaviour. This made sense in both what I wanted to film at the Station at the action I want to carryout at the skate park. Something out of context but also very ordinary and everyday, but just exaggerated or shifted in context.

I feel i need to summarise the progress again at this point to find some clarity in whats been happening,

1) There's the gallery space, acting as both a gallery and studio and having elements of it exposed, such as an area of plaster and concrete not plastered over behind a plinth.

2) The chairs and plinths in the space uprooted- to expose there inside.

3) The performance- a tour around sites of interest or a speech in the space

4) Performance for video- Skate park, sniffing platform, traffic lights used in live speech performance.

5) Drawings/collage

6) Finding context within Hertford life- Hertford glamour compared to London?

7) Art as lifestyle- my flat, my studio, the gallery contexts shuffled, combined and rotated.

8) 'Mind the gap'- sign and 1 day performance

There's a lot there and I have realised then when I'm working I often repeat ideas, or keep generating new ideas without sticking to one and developing it. I guess now I'm beginning to get nervous about the performance as I'm not sure at the moment how it is going to exist. I mean I hope that it will be able to incorporate all these ideas, to expose many different facets of my thought process but then i don't want it to become to convoluted either. I think I'm going to really need to edit or leave some of these ideas behind to focus on those of most interest. 

20/08/08

Continuing to work in the gallery again today and felt positive after the previous days experiments. I was keen to get out and about today to film the straw in various locations, moving among Hertford between the sites of interest to me and creating a presence at that place.

The gallery was busy today, lots of people around and it made it difficult to pursue filming ideas. I began to unpack the straw again from its bags and sweep into new mound, move mound out into courtyard and re-form mound again. After this I began to question whether the two elements of this action are in fact two separate ideas- the mound and the sweeping, I'm began to consider them working as separate elements. The sweeping and the straw worked well together when I was sweeping up a large area of straw, i.e from whole of gallery floor into a mound, but just emptying from its carrier and sweeping into mound seemed rather naff. A bit weak, a bit insincere. I tried to layer the straw again across an area of floor, this time just outside the gallery, on the courtyard and then sweep into mound, again it seemed a little contrived. I'm not sure if that's because I have done this repeatedly a fair few times now or because the function of the sweeping is not actually very physical and its becomes a mound fairly quickly. i think I was drawn to the initial duration and endurance of the original sweeping, one that I knew would take a long time. 

As the day went on I pondered over the public actions would take place. I fictionalise them in my head, pictured what they would look like, always a spectacle, always successful but somewhere in their I also doubted this image, this picture in my head. I guess I often begin to fantasise about the performance, see exactly how it will be, mostly visual and ignore fact and practicality, its almost like I want it to be that image in my head so much that I almost become scared to actually do it, to ruin that fantasy.

I thought again about separating the two actions, I was still very drawn to the act of sweeping and thought about sweeping without the straw, possible the length of the road that I live on. And them making the mounds for still moments. I began to consider my own identity when carrying out thee project, and what I might wear. I wanted to be dressed normally, after all its about the everyday, but I also wanted a subtle indication that it was also intentional. I remembered a lecture by Roddy Hunter who spoke of wearing a ribbon when he performed public performances. This idea appealed to me and I considered wearing the wig or creating a flag for myself (an idea I had came across earlier in the week after seeing a flag on a bendy stick attached to the back wheel of a kids bike). This act allows the work to me to exist as work and as the everyday.

As the day went I began to become frustrated that I was not carrying out thee ideas, I knew something was stopping me, I knew I really anted to attempt but I was also stuck, stuck on the idea of working in public, in recording it, in how people would react. i was in love with the idea but not the act, why was that. I felt very alone and thought that maybe i would need an accomplice. someone to film, watch my bag etc.. give me the confidence to do it. 

I walked to the locations that I wanted the performances to occur in the hope that I would just begin, but laden with all the required equipment I kept walking by, not able to stop and do it, frozen. 

It was a disappointing day, frustrated by myself and my desires.

I knew tomorrow I would have to do it, make this image a reality. This evening I arranged for my partner Tom to Film for me tomorrow evening, I going to do it. I worried I have the whole day tomorrow in the space to talk myself out of it but I must do it, even if it doesn't work.

19/8/08

A tough start, the gallery was fairly busy and lots of visitors outside of hours, but good conversation and interesting people, and this allowed me to ease into the morning. A coffee in town before heading to the gallery allowed me to sit with workers, business, clients, managers, sellers, architects, they were all there, inhabiting Cafe Nero for an early coffee just like myself and I enjoyed being among them, listening to their conversations and business plans, a little bit of London on my doorstep. It felt good.

The straw had lost it golden colour a little and began to look a bit flat. I had decided over the weekend that I would sweep it up today and possibly return it to its carrier bag, however once I started the sweeping process I began to enjoy this task. I was lost in a realm of emotion and wanted to be busy, be busy with a mundane task, one that didn't finish to soon and allowed me to work up a sweat and keep my head down. I swept the layer of straw into a mound to the left of my desk. After scraping every ounce of straw together I then decided to move it again, sweeping the whole lot across the gallery, slowly moving the mass to a new location- the other side of my desk, it was at this point I decided to start filming. The performance had started, I would sweep for an hour, continuously sweeping the straw into a mound and then sweeping again to move the mound to a new location. The room began to get very dusty and I continued, creating around 7 different mounds in this time. A nice moment occurred when just outside the gallery, through the patio doors a volunteer began to clear leaves using an industrial leaf blower, his action almost echoing my own, but with the difference that mine potentially had no end, no reward, apart from the moments within it that the mound held itself before being dismantled and caught up in continuous sweeping for the next mound. No completion, it could go on. During the course of the morning this durational physical task allowed me to think and reflect on the first week. It had been a hard week, and it ended with me really questioning my solo work. It has been increasingly difficult to move away from Ben and Holly and Jen and Holly, the work towing and throwing between both of these collaborative styles and working methods, either being one or the other and never really something different, something that maybe made up my identity. I knew it would have elements of these processes, but currently it was not a compromised method, it was all of one or all of another. This began to feel disappointing and not very motivating. I mean working in the methodologies of Ben and Holly as just me means the works somewhat weak compared what we had previously done in this collaboration. Likewise with the work currently made with Jenny, working in our way lacks something, it lacks Jenny, and not a patch on what we have done together, making working in this way too not particularly productive. I knew I still had to find my own way. 

Working with the straw in this way contributed to this and I feel now I am starting to find this. The performance, sweeping straw, did last an hour and the mound then remained with me in the space. Throughout the day it has seemed to grow an identity for itself, almost human, through its organic form, a mound, rounded edges, breast like. It feels as though we may have paired up, the straw mound becoming a representation of myself or another maybe. I would like to continue this sweeping outside of the gallery and possible moving between the site identified earlier. Possibly leaving it as a mound at these sites or sweeping it between these locations. I'm keen for the straw mound to exist through repetition, seen at the skate park, seen at the lights at St Andrews street, seen at the train station, seen at my flat, at my studio almost symbolising a presence in all these locations and drawing them together. I also like the very act of sweeping, the physical task, the everyday task that it exists as, something universal, but removed from normality by a change in context and material. I hope to go out with the straw tomorrow but feel a little nervous, not sure how the passers by will react.

Alongside this physical task today I also continued to work with collage. Piecing together found or drawn images to visualise my thoughts and performance ideas but as 2D instructions or plans I supposed. It also allows me to work with the aesthetic of what I what my performances to contain. Often in the past I have focused too much on aesthetic in performance on not so much on content. This process of working with combining images together is allowing me to fictionalise my performances and get carried away with the aesthetic and imagery associated with my ideas. 

Today I have not written except for this. I am returning to just playing for a few days to gather some content, rather than focusing on a product at this stage. I have attached some of the photographs from today of the mound and of the space in general including the 2D collages, hopefully this gives you a feel for the space as it exists at the moment

16/08/08 First Saturday

15/08/08

I decided that today would the day I begin to work with the straw. I've managed to divide my day up into writing for performance and more visual exercises such as drawing, collage, material manipulation and installation. This balance allows me to enjoy the space, work with the space and visual some of the ideas I am writing about. I'm also in this confusion of wanting to work sculpturally with material and wanting to write performance. The whole space is a buzz of confusion currently, to many ideas going on that I'm even finding it difficult to discuss it. I guess the main elements are the (what's become) installation of the gallery space and work space. the process of making work and experimenting becoming the work. There's more isolated ideas such as the straw. The straw was a suggestion of something one of the trustees of the gallery said they would like to see me explore. I became drawn to the imagery of working with straw and having straw within the space, out of context and a material that would allow me to physical change the feel of the space. The straw is different from the process installation but also surrounds that work. A work within a work. I forgot to mention I covered the gallery floor with a layer of golden straw today. An interesting exercise, notions of building a nest, settling in sprung to mind, metaphorically expressing my new home and new existence in the gallery. It also echoed the use of the space once being horse stables, and again began to reveal and expose the spaces history. Almost challenging its present facade and usage. This activity takes on another element to residency. Then finally there's the writing, the writing about the very nature of having a residency, what the residency intention 'is' (but maybe that's now 'was'...the straw is not mentioned) and what performance I want to make. This writing too has become convoluted and I left the space this evening realising that the writing must be broken down, categorised and re assembled for it to work with the audience and allow them to understand my work. Presently I thinks its too all over the place and will loose people. Today was no different in the sense that I have not yet found an external substance to include. Maybe I'm looking for something I will never find. Maybe this is what it feels like to work solo. Maybe the content will all be my own thoughts but that feels risky. It does feel strange not to have another, to bounce ideas off of and check that my thoughts, observations are universal and not just personal. I guess I'm also cautious not to make the work to much me me me, which it has been in the past but for others to, not to loose people but communicate to then. So the straw is now staying for the weekend but I've got a feeling it will go next week. Its to easy to rely on big visuals and somewhat complacent. Its not unauthentic and I needed to do it continue to explore the straw but I don't want it to be a comfy get out clause or even a spectacle to hide behind. 

14/08/08-Workshop RCA Summer Show

Being away from the gallery felt refreshing, It was the first of my workshops- a trip to the Royal Academy Summer Show and discussion surrounding the 6 short listed artists. Devised for the members of Courtyard gallery, a chance to get to know them further and spend time together discussing art, and especially discussing with them the work of the 6 short listed artist, one of whom works with performance. I was hoping that the trip might involve a discussion around performance and therefore lead to my own interest in performance, and the activities that I'm working with at Courtyard. I had two participants, my Mum and Dad! Unfortunately no one else signed up, which was disappointing, but I realise there's only so much you can do. I guess many on are holiday or have already been.  I was happy with my participants being my parents and it allowed me to spend some valuable time with them as well as talk to them about the works in the show, sharing with them my ideas, comments and the relevant information to help them understand the work or gain an insight into the practice of these artists. Its not often I spend a day alone with my parents, I had them to myself and they had me to themselves it was a rarity and I was excited at the prospect of being able to find substance within this trip. I felt different, I felt extremely comfortable, content and relaxed. I felt like I had found myself for the day, at times transported back to my childhood, remembering past trips and times spent with family. I felt like the real Holly, the one I reminisce over, I had a grip on myself and felt a huge sense of belonging all day.

The trip also allowed me to discuss my residency ideas with someone, to date I have only spoken to myself via this blog on what has occurred this week and it felt good to speak out loud about my ideas and progress. It came to light this morning that what I'm now beginning to seek is some substance. Yesterdays work did indeed interest me and I was pleased that I was beginning to explore the very act of wanting to make work as being the work, but I knew this could not be all the performance entailed. It would be too heavily filled with my own thoughts and needs and I feel that it needs to be balanced with something external, information, facts, narrative, something away from my own observations, something more universal that everyone can relate too, not just me as an artist and those who like me want to make work. I don't feel as though I have found that today, even though I found a huge sense of belonging. Maybe this is the substance but it seams as though its still quite self indulgent, I'm not sure right now.

I went onto to see the Martin Creed runner at the Tate Britain and really enjoyed the work. It was naughty, out of context, physical, durational, task based, quick, funny, and I was absorbed in the work for an hour. It was exciting and you felt like you could play with it for hours. Manoeuvring around the space, changing the angle to which you viewed the work, waiting for the next runner, deciding which runner you preferred and observing the other spectators, looking for those who were not expecting the work, who were confused and dashed out the way. Today I have attached some images of this work. My parents can be seen in the images. They liked the work too and I wanted to include them in the images, layering the work and the day within my mind and my experience of the work. I'm thinking of using it in my own performance somehow, we will see what tomorrow brings.