The gallery was busy today, lots of people around and it made it difficult to pursue filming ideas. I began to unpack the straw again from its bags and sweep into new mound, move mound out into courtyard and re-form mound again. After this I began to question whether the two elements of this action are in fact two separate ideas- the mound and the sweeping, I'm began to consider them working as separate elements. The sweeping and the straw worked well together when I was sweeping up a large area of straw, i.e from whole of gallery floor into a mound, but just emptying from its carrier and sweeping into mound seemed rather naff. A bit weak, a bit insincere. I tried to layer the straw again across an area of floor, this time just outside the gallery, on the courtyard and then sweep into mound, again it seemed a little contrived. I'm not sure if that's because I have done this repeatedly a fair few times now or because the function of the sweeping is not actually very physical and its becomes a mound fairly quickly. i think I was drawn to the initial duration and endurance of the original sweeping, one that I knew would take a long time.
As the day went on I pondered over the public actions would take place. I fictionalise them in my head, pictured what they would look like, always a spectacle, always successful but somewhere in their I also doubted this image, this picture in my head. I guess I often begin to fantasise about the performance, see exactly how it will be, mostly visual and ignore fact and practicality, its almost like I want it to be that image in my head so much that I almost become scared to actually do it, to ruin that fantasy.
I thought again about separating the two actions, I was still very drawn to the act of sweeping and thought about sweeping without the straw, possible the length of the road that I live on. And them making the mounds for still moments. I began to consider my own identity when carrying out thee project, and what I might wear. I wanted to be dressed normally, after all its about the everyday, but I also wanted a subtle indication that it was also intentional. I remembered a lecture by Roddy Hunter who spoke of wearing a ribbon when he performed public performances. This idea appealed to me and I considered wearing the wig or creating a flag for myself (an idea I had came across earlier in the week after seeing a flag on a bendy stick attached to the back wheel of a kids bike). This act allows the work to me to exist as work and as the everyday.
As the day went I began to become frustrated that I was not carrying out thee ideas, I knew something was stopping me, I knew I really anted to attempt but I was also stuck, stuck on the idea of working in public, in recording it, in how people would react. i was in love with the idea but not the act, why was that. I felt very alone and thought that maybe i would need an accomplice. someone to film, watch my bag etc.. give me the confidence to do it.
I walked to the locations that I wanted the performances to occur in the hope that I would just begin, but laden with all the required equipment I kept walking by, not able to stop and do it, frozen.
It was a disappointing day, frustrated by myself and my desires.
I knew tomorrow I would have to do it, make this image a reality. This evening I arranged for my partner Tom to Film for me tomorrow evening, I going to do it. I worried I have the whole day tomorrow in the space to talk myself out of it but I must do it, even if it doesn't work.
No comments:
Post a Comment